Pity Me: A Victim Mentality
Throwing the Spotlight in the Right Place!
For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
We are made up of the inner and outer man. God speaks to our hearts – the inner man. However what it hears is processed through the mind – the realm of intellect, emotions and will. The mentality or posture people adopt towards life is found in the soulish or mind realm. If we have a way of thinking or a mindset that does not line up with the word of God, then confusion prevails. The Word of God is given to divide, pierce, or separate out the spirit from the soul or mind. Much like a ruler, it becomes the standard against which all our thinking is measured. God and his Word are one. When we become one with God through Jesus, we become one with His Word. Our thinking has to be renewed to the Word.
The Importance of Recognizing the ‘Victim Mentality’
A person with a victim mentality will have a twisted view on life. Let me illustrate. As a sportsman I sustained injuries to my back on a couple of occasions. My back reacted by cramping up in muscle spasms. It was trying to compensate for the injury and in some way try to balance out the pain. It literally caused me to twist up and I could not even walk upright. Fortunately through time and therapy, things came right and I straightened up and regained my strength.
Likewise, the inner man can adopt a posture or attitude that compensates for emotional and spiritual pain. Relational hurts, harsh words, disappointments and family strife, for example, can cause people to react and become ‘bent.’ Subsequently even good things are now viewed with distrust, and misunderstood.
If we are not watchful, we may harbor hurts that cause us to look at life with less and less hope and optimism. We begin to view things in a cynical light and develop what we feel are defensive postures designed to protect us from further harm. The next step is to feel sorry for ourselves and ask what we did to deserve all this. If we do not get the Lord’s help at this stage we shift the blame onto others and start building a destructive victim mentality.
Our relationship with God and others becomes warped, and we lose perspective of the way things really are.
The ‘Fruit’ of a Victim Mentality
A tree is recognized by its fruit. When a person struggles with a victim mentality they usually show certain symptoms. First of all, there is a tendency to ‘shift the blame’ onto anyone else when things go wrong. This started early back in the garden when Adam would not accept responsibility for his own sin, and so shifted the blame to Eve.
The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate. Genesis 3:12
In our day we can see this tendency all around us. Think of how the government is blamed for everything from the price of gas to the level of reading and writing in schools! Look at who gets blamed for failures in church, marriage, business, and even some sporting events. Referees get blamed, the coach…and so it goes. I have heard people blame their parents for in some cases what they did, or then in others for what they did not do. The point is not really where the blame is or is not, but what happens to our hearts in times of difficulty. Unjust and unfair things do happen but if our faith in God’s forgiveness is secure, we avoid playing the blame game. We will focus on moving on, and do what is necessary to ensure that our tomorrows will be free from yesterday’s hurts.
Criticism and fault-finding is another fruit of the ‘victim mentality.’ When the focus is shifted to others we don’t have to face our own faults. It is easier to point the finger at someone else than at oneself. I have found that whenever I get to the point of admitting my mistakes and failings, there is a sense of release, and I can build on what God wants for me at that point.
Frequent use of the words ‘It’s just not fair’ or ‘why did this happen to me?’ are further victim expressions. Some people spend a lifetime trying to equalize things out, yet the Bible reveals that God has already squared up all unfairness through the sacrifice of His son Jesus Christ:
Therefore, as through one man’s offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man’s righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life. Romans 5:18
He paid the price for unfairness. To many it is unfair that we suffer so much because of what Adam did. Think of all of the ravaging consequences of sin: sickness, distress, murder, pillage, famine, and earthquakes. Yet it is equally unfair that we enjoy the wonderful benefits of God’s salvation because of what Jesus did. The awesome thing is that we enjoy God’s forgiveness, provision and protection even though we don’t deserve it! Life is not about fairness, but about faith.
A ‘victim mentality’ causes warped relationships with God and man. Correction and discipline is seen as rejection and punishment rather than an expression of love. Love and discipline are not mutually exclusive. Earthly fathers educate, train, and discipline their natural children, and our heavenly Father does no less. He not only nurtures, but also admonishes. There are two sides to the coin of growing up in the Lord.
People who suffer with feelings of victimization generally struggle with being generous with their words and substance. They find it hard to praise God freely and pass on compliments to those around them. They display a subtle tendency to pull others down by speaking negatively about them. Some describe this as the ‘Crab bucket’ syndrome. If you can’t get out the bucket yourself, make sure that no one else does!
Frequent ‘pity parties’ and depression is another choice people make in an attempt to validate their suffering. They attempt to drown out the feelings of despair with diversions that do not address root issues. Substance abuse: drinking, drugging, even obsessive eating, are physical attempts to avoid facing reality. The Bible has several examples of people that have run from their problems only to find themselves and the problem at the end of the run! Think of Moses, Elijah, Jonah, and Peter. They all ran at some time in their lives, but God brought them back to reality and faith, restoring them all back to their calling and ministry. Thank God He is patient, and challenges our pouting behavior.
Escape is another symptom of the victim mentality. Hope is lost of ever changing things, and so comfort is found in food, alcohol, or other substance abuse. These represent short-lived efforts to swamp or dull the pain, but really do not provide real escape. So another dose has to be taken and so on. Only God can provide the true lasting way of escape.
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Summary
A person who feels victimized in life will struggle to relate to God and other people. They will not see the positive opportunities that every setback presents, and will stick on the treadmill of self-pity, rather than step up on the back of their problems and turn them into stepping-stones.